Jonathan Lim/

Welcome and thank you for visiting... =p cheers* hope you enjoy what you see

2:04 AM

Monday, February 1, 2010

Moving Forward

   Last night as i was wrapped up in darkness. All alone, all hurt and broken. Trying to think, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. I sat out at the garden of my house, drinking, looking back at the pictures of us, listening to song that only makes me feel worse, feeding the mosquitoes, trying to stop the pain i feel in my heart. I never knew my heart could hurt more than it already is. It was broken, then shattered, and now turned into specks of dust. I tought my heart couldnt possible hurt any further, but last night proved me wrong. All i want is just for the pain to stop, stop haunting me, to leave me bloody alone. I want my piece of mind back, i want my heart back but most of all, i want myself back. Not how i am now, all broken up and cold.

   I actually what i did for her on wednesday and friday could make her see how much i love her and how she means to me. How could i be so blind, so dumb to trust her over and over again. Just waiting to get hurt again each time. Wednesday i wrote a lil birthday wish for her on a piece of paper then i ran all the way to faries at 1130pm. After 15mins of running i finally reached aeon, there i sat waiting for the clock to strike midnight, touching up my piece of paper by burning the sides of the paper for the effect. When it was sharp 12, i went over and gave her that stupid piece of paper that i'm sure she would have thrown by now. After that i just sat at a corner nearby waiting, hoping, wishing that she would come for me, call me or even at least text me. So there i sat waiting, waiting for nothing, or more like waiting to get robbed and she didnt even bother. I called and she still could tell me "wait, i will find u later". and yes she did, 15mins later. She came and talked to me for 3mins and off she went again. AND AGAIN, i continue to sit there wanting a lil more time. But not at all. She asked me to wait again, and i waited for 30mins till i got fed up and just walked over to her table, finding her smoking with a guy. Imagine the pain that was running through my veins then. So fine, wuteva, i just went back.

   Friday, i asked her to come over. I prepared everything for her, present, cake, lightings in my room, decorating my room, red wine. That night was a decent night, i tought she really appreciated what i did for her, and maybe she would still love me more after that. But no. The very next night she could go out for a drink with a real ass hole, a wannabe rocker that listens to oldies, hair almost always all the way up as if he wants to penetrate a girl with those stupid ugly needle-in-a-row like hair that he takes hours just to put it up one by one. Even then she still had the nerve to scold me and tell me she didnt lie to me and whatsoever... After about of an hour of shouting and quarreling pointlessly with somebody who cant understand, i just went back. Once home i took a bottle of tequila and drank myself drunk with shots after shots. Yes, i was crying but at least it stopped the heartache even as tears continue to roll down my eyes as i look back at our pictures together, wondering what happened to those wonderful times. But its obvious now that its all gone. I sat there crying and drinking for hours till i was too drunk to even walk. Everything i saw, i saw double, i couldnt even hold anything without dropping it. Lucky enough i asked Roy Ong to come over, i just couldnt stand being alone and i need someone who understands my pain, my bestie who was always there for me. He then brought me into the house and into my room. I started to talk crap with him, not even knowing what was i saying. The next thing i know, my alarm was ringing for church in the morning.

   From then on i knew it was time to move on, time to cherish the past as only memories and not crying over spilt milk. You readers may think i'm a real sissy for crying all the time but as if i care, you wouldnt understand, my pain and my sufferings. If you were in my shoes, i bet you would be crying like babies and that a solid fact. How i wish people could change for the better, i know it does happen, but just not often enough. How i wish things were fine between us now and we would be happy but there is no use wishing and praying for the impossible to happen now. Whats gone is gone, whats left is to move on.

   If you ask me, yes, i do still love her a whole lot and its really hard for me to stop thinking and just let go but i'm trying my best. I miss every moment together with her no matter if we were laughing or fighting, just as long as it was with her. I love her and i do not regret all i've done and given her even when i didnt get what i deserved but i guess thats how the world works, life is unfair so hell with it. Vi, if you're reading this, i only want you to know that i really loved you with my whole heart and i will always cherish every moment spent together. Whatever i have given you, keep it, its yours, i dont want it back cuz i want you to have it, to remember that i actually did exist in your life. The sweater i gave you for your birthday is a reminder of all the times i kept you warm and comfy in my arms. I wish i could still hold u in my arms tight but its obvious now that you dont need me anymore. So i'll go now, i wont bother you anymore since you want me out so badly. People say actions speak louder than words, so yeah, you actions were enough to tell me what u want. Me, gone. I just hope you will enjoy your life happily without me and i wish u well even when i'm not. i love you. Goodbye for the very last time.

Yours, once upon a star,
Jonathan Lim

Labels: Loves